Puberty. Again

Puberty. Again

by Laura Culberg

This year at my family’s annual holiday party I was talking to my friend Heidi, a physical therapist/wise woman who has two teenage daughters and is herself in peri-menopause. “I’m totally in puberty” she said. “ The difference is that now I can see it. I can see from outside looking in what is happening to me and I have some clarity about it. Some perspective.” When girls are in puberty they don’t have perspective. They don’t have the years of experience to tell them that this is a moment in time, that this emotion, body change, or crush will change. They are flooded with the here and now of hormones and life experiences.

At fifty, I am just entering menopause and I can see what Heidi is talking about. The mood swings, the drama, the frustration at not being able to control the texture of my skin or my energy level are all here, just like in puberty. But I have wisdom and clarity. I am connected with my inner voice that tells me that I am driving this train. These changes that are happening to me do not define me. It took me years to come back to this true nature. I am still aware of times when I shush it, turn down the volume to accommodate someone or something else. As a fifty-year-old woman I can now reflect back on my own path. I can see where my inner voice was loud and clear. I can remember when I closed it down and boxed it up to make room for what I thought was expected of me. And I can feel now how it is showing back up, loud and clear, awake and aware.

Women share a hormonal and a historical connection that is powerful and illuminating. My mother’s story--- her strength and resilience as well as what she lost and sacrificed-- informed my own experiences as a girl and a woman. And what I’ve learned from my mother and my own experiences informs my own daughter’s path. What we all share is an inherent true nature. This is the thread that runs through us at all stages of life and connects us to our power.

This was our vision when we created Put Some Claws in Your Pause. Kate and I knew that we were both feeling something new but also familiar. This wisdom that was bubbling to the surface was truly a visitor from times past. Awakening this visitor, this voice is subtle for most women. It might actually feel like re-entering puberty. Put Some Claws in Your Pause is a place for women in any stage of menopause to safely, powerfully, actively welcome back this true nature, to come home again.  

Menopause Mentoring

Menopause Mentoring

by Kate Poux

This is my grandma and her sisters in 1954, when they were in their late 40s/early 50s. I admire their easy middle-aged glamour. I am the same age as they are in the photo. I wish I could be part of their midlife summer barbecues. What would they say to me about this time of life? What will I say to my daughters and nieces and grand daughters 30 years from now? What are they learning right now by watching me live it?

When my daughter was three she would watch me get out of the shower and get ready for the day, and ask for some of my lotion to rub on her legs like me. One day as she bent over, going through my same lotion motions she said, “I do what you do, Mommy.” I am struck by how much she took in as a toddler watching me, and how much she must notice now as a teenager, sometimes seeking connection to me and many times doing the hard work of separating from me.

My dad died 28 years ago. I spend November remembering him, and every year I notice how much more I am like him. This year I dug through an old box at my mom’s house and collected photos. He’s the guy at the block parties with a clipboard, putting up the flags, playing the “head on a table” in the haunted house, wearing make up for his part in the Kismet chorus, singing real loud in church, whistling, drinking coffee in the front yard, running with the dog. I live so much of my life like he did, mostly unaware of this deep subconscious connection. He doesn’t tell me to do all these things, I just do what he did.

The process of becoming like our parents and ancestors is deep. As parents and adults in families, we work so hard to keep children safe, healthy, happy. We make conscious choices in every moment about what to say, do to help them grow, but all the while they are watching us and becoming like us, without either of us being really aware of it. I do what you do. How can I live through this time of menopause in a way that will help it be an easier, fuller time for my daughters and next generations?

I made a friend on the Claws in your Pause retreat last year who told us thatevery day at work for her is a +5 on her energy meter. She made changes to her diet a few years ago and feels great, totally reconnected to her body. Being with her changed me. I want to do what she does. Not literally, of course, but I want to embrace opportunities, let go of the energy suckers and love my life like she does. And making it happen for me at this time in my life has an impact on how the young women around me will feel about menopause, now and maybe later.

It’s kind of a lot of pressure to figure it out. Especially on days like today when I pretend to be sick and hide in my bedroom so I don’t have to deal with anyone. This last photo is my daughter around the same age when she used to imitate my showering routine. She’s making a banana phone call. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if banana phones could call back and forth through time, connect past and future generations? She could just call present-me 30 years in the future and say WTF about all this menopause bullshit, Mom! Oona, if you’re still there…

...notice changes in energy, mood, confidence, hair falling out, temper, libido, weight, heart palpitations in your 40s, open up a dialogue about it with your family, friends, doctor. Track your symptoms, write them down. Keep a timeline. You are not crazy.

… notice what gives you energy, and what depletes it, and practice letting go of the things that don’t bring you joy or energy. Observe how much more decisive you feel. Reconnect with your intuition.

… find the nearest chapter of Put Some Claws in Your Pause and tell them Mommy sent you. Bond with people about menopause. Say it out loud, often. It’s a comforting, inspiring connection, to find out how other women are handling it or not handling it, how we can learn from each other and shed the shame. 

Put Some Claws in Your Pause is an opportunity to be with a community of women who are thinking about making menopause meaningful for themselves and future generations.

Knife Sharpener

Knife Sharpener

By Kate Poux

I just started the Whole30 diet  and spent the weekend prepping. After finding coconut aminos, ghee and “compliant” mayonnaise,  the Whole30 people told me I should sharpen my knives. I rolled my eyes, but later as I sliced through 5 lbs of carrots, I felt smug and prepared for the challenge ahead. Look at me, handling, preparing, making life easier for myself.

This feeling of preparedness reminds me of a Great Moment in Parenting years ago. My kids were little and they had the neighbor kids over to play school. I suggested that they watch the new National Geographic dvd’s we got for Christmas as part of their school. I even suggested they “take notes”. After a long, luxurious break upstairs by myself I went down to check on the quiet in the basement. The kids were dumbstruck. It turned out the videos were part of the new, action-packed NatGeo series. This one was called “Doomsday Preppers.”

“They’re getting ready for something,” Oona said about the video.

“What are you learning?” I asked.

“We need a lot of guns,” one kid said.  Another kid’s notes said, “Be prepared.”

Where is all this going? Menopause is not for babies. Or Millenials. Yet.  It’s a major life change full of unpredictable challenges, shrouded in weird taboo. We aren’t going to Whidbey Island to prepare for the apocalypse, stockpile guns, baking soda, unscented bleach, buckets with lids, bic lighters, Pedialyte,  duct tape, cotton swabs and paracord, but we DO hope to arm you with a few tools to help you cope and connect to your center when things get crazy.

Like the Energy Meter, an observation tool to measure how much energy you gain or lose from different activities and parts of your life, designed to help you let go of the energy-suckers and recognize what brings you the most energy and joy in life.

Using a Body Scan we locate our menopause symptoms and struggles, physical and emotional, on a body map labeled with the energy chakras. I cured my chronic neck pain after last year’s retreat by expressing my anger at work more, speaking up when I feel mad or confused.

Proprioceptive Writing is a writing meditation, self-guided stream of consciousness. There are rituals to guide you if you get stuck and help you harvest important truths that come up in your writing.

And Yoga Nidra. This amazing practice of meditation through “yogic sleep” helps you locate opposite feelings in your body and practice moving back and forth between them. The first few times I practiced with Laura, I could feel wings stretching out from my shoulder blades as the floor fell away from me. I’m not kidding.

So, come sharpen your connection to your intuition, your awareness of the hormone-emotion connection, your self-observation skills and feel better prepared for when the shit goes down.

Glasses

Glasses

by Laura Culberg

I turned 50 in November. Three weeks later I got glasses. For several months, I had noticed that driving at night had become perilous. Sometimes I'd just grip the wheel, hold on tight and hope for the best. But for some reason I didn't put the pieces together that glasses might help. I didn't know I needed glasses until one day my partner Nancy and my friend Genessa and I were looking out our dining room window towards the lake. "Look at that guy in that tiny boat out there," Genessa said and Nancy replied, "Oooh, yeah, he looks so small out there." What they were seeing to me looked like a sea otter splashing. It was then that I made an appointment with the eye doctor.

The eye doctor informed me that I am near-sighted with an astigmatism that would require me to get progressives-- distance above, close up below. I got the glasses and for the last month have been stumbling around, struggling with putting them on then taking them off. I fell down my front stairs because I misjudged the placement of the last two steps of our front porch. Part of me really thought that I didn't need glasses, that I was better off missing a few little things here and there and going without the hassle of equipment on my face.

Yesterday, I went back to the eye doctor, a month after my initial glasses consult, to get re-examined, to make really sure that I truly am a glasses candidate. This second opinion ophthalmologist confirmed my prescription and gave me some pointers about how I should be wearing progressives.

After work this afternoon I took a walk down to the lake. Last night there was a fire at the marina at the end of our street and I wanted to see what the damage looked like. I remembered to bring my glasses, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see what had happened without them. As I walked down to the lake in the dusk of the afternoon, I appreciated that I could see the coots and geese along the shoreline. I could see the detail of the cormorant's wings on the buoy beyond the coots and geese. Why was I so resistant to glasses? They helped me see in the dark. They enabled me to see nature in detail. They helped keep me safe behind the wheel.

It's not the glasses. It's the change. I've always felt healthy and unencumbered. Glasses make me feel like I've lost a bit of that. This week my 91-year-old stepfather Al decided to go on hospice. He's got a few ailments that need tending, but for the most part, he's a typical 91-year-old. He's a lot slower than he was ten years ago. He's shaky and tired. He went on hospice as a way to acknowledge the changes that are coming, the things that are happening to him, that will continue happening to him as he moves from this year to next year and beyond. My mom said that the hospice workers are affirming of his wishes. They are good listeners and respectful of his opinions and values. She said since taking the step towards hospice his energy changed, his demeanor changed. He got an oxygen tank and has been able to sleep through the night.

There is grace in leaning into change like Al has. In not fighting it, he can find the peace within it. I've been thinking a lot about Al these days. It's hard to talk on the phone with him and he lives 2000 miles away. I get reports from my mom about how things are going. I wonder how I would approach what Al is dealing with in his life right now. What I do know, what came to me as I walked down the hill seeing the lake clearly in my glasses, feeling different, knowing I looked older, more encumbered than I have in years past, is that change happens whether we fight it or not. I'll take a cue from Al and lean into these glasses, this new look. Just like Al, I'm getting older with each year that passes. To fight it will make it harder. To accept, maybe even embrace it, will bring me closer to peace.

Moving forward, aging in peace was on our minds when we created Put SomeClaws in Your Pause. Kate and I knew getting older was happening no matter what and we knew that we wanted to do it without so much struggle. We wanted to find ways to welcome all of the changes in front of us with grace, ease and maybe even joy. Put Some Claws in Your Pause is a place for women in any stage of menopause to safely, powerfully, actively welcome everything that's coming around the bend with open-minds and open-hearts.