Party-Style Twists

By Laura Culberg

Last week I wore my hair down with two twists, one on each side of my middle part. Because of my cowlick, I couldn't get the twists even, but I wore them anyway. When I was a kid we called this "party style." I rarely wear my hair down. It makes me feel young, somehow not myself. That night I chose this style to disguise my incoming gray hair. Maybe it was a subconscious move to try to create youth in the midst of inevitable aging.

Since wearing my hair in twists that night I've had a series of random memories from when I was a girl. I remember in fourth grade, Ms. Funk's class at William H. Ray Elementary in Chicago. It was picture day and I'd decided on my burgundy v-neck velour shirt with juliet sleeves. It was one of my nicest shirts and I had begged my mother to buy it for me at the tiny Breslauer's Department Store on 53rd Street.  I was obsessed with my hair that morning, desperate to get my two twists to match. I wanted my long brown hair to cascade down from the perfectly matched twists that crowned my head like a princess. But I didn't have the right supplies. I needed bobby pins and all I had were mismatched barrettes and rubber bands.

That same obsession for the perfect twists has recently replayed itself in my memory. I don't know if it was the same year, but in my mind's eye, I am about the same age. It was my grandfather's birthday party and we were all to get dressed up. I had a red and white seersucker blouse and skirt that my grandmother had splurged on at Saks Fifth Avenue downtown. It was perfect. But my hair! I remember standing in front of the living room mirror with my sisters and cousins, five girls all primping, and I could not get the twists to work. "I need bobby pins!," I howled to no one in particular, and before I knew it my dad was out the door to the Wilco to get a package big enough for five heads of hair.

I don't know why certain memories stick in our minds and I don't know why they revisit us at certain times in life, but the prominence of these two hair-twist memories feels like something worth attending to. One of the things that happens in middle age, in part because of hormones, and in part because of earned wisdom from life experience, is that we come back to our true nature, that essence of self that can become buried during the twenties and thirties when other big life events take center stage.

I'm grateful for the clarity and potency of these memories. In middle-age there is a quieting, a slowing down that makes room for that essential nature to resurface, like coming out of the rubble after an earthquake, there is a peacefulness, a stillness. Maybe these memories are a sign to me, a message from fourth-grade Laura, that this is time to come back and revisit that energy from my younger self. Or maybe these hair-twist memories are here now to show me how much I've learned, how far I've come from that place where a botched hair style was a national disaster. Now I know it's just a pesky cowlick.

Collective Effervescence

By Laura Culberg

Collective Effervescence is a term coined by Sociologist Emile Durkeim. According to the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy, "Collective effervescence refers to moments in societal life when the group of individuals that makes up a society comes together in order to perform a religious ritual. During these moments, the group comes together and communicates in the same thought and participates in the same action, which serves to unify a group of individuals. When individuals come into close contact with one another and when they are assembled in such a fashion, a certain “electricity” is created and released, leading participants to a high degree of collective emotional excitement or delirium. This impersonal, extra-individual force, which is a core element of religion, transports the individuals into a new, ideal realm, lifts them up outside of themselves, and makes them feel as if they are in contact with an extraordinary energy."

When I read that paragraph, I replaced the word ‘religion’ with ‘menopause’ which makes for some key sentences that perfectly describe our upcoming retreat. The first, “Collective effervescence refers to moments in societal life when the group of individuals that makes up a society comes together in order to perform a MENOPAUSE ritual.” Yes! We are our own little society of women going through physical, emotional and spiritual changes that deserve to be recognized by slowing down and engaging in some rituals that honor this time in our lives. That's why we created Put Some Claws in Your Pause. We want women to feel honored and supported as they move through these mid-life changes. 

The second set of sentences, when religion is replaced with menopause read, "When individuals come into close contact with one another and when they are assembled in such a fashion, a certain “electricity” is created and released, leading participants to a high degree of collective emotional excitement or delirium. This impersonal, extra-individual force, which is a core element of MENOPAUSE, transports the individuals into a new, ideal realm, lifts them up outside of themselves, and makes them feel as if they are in contact with an extraordinary energy."

We're now in our third year of doing Put Some Claws in Your Pause, a retreat honoring women at all stages of menopause and all that is true. There is electricity. There is emotional excitement, maybe even delirium. There's also yoga, meditation, delicious meals, hiking, writing, sleeping and laughing. There's optional watercoloring and book making. There's community. And at the end of the three days of rest, ritual and community, we leave and go our separate ways, still connected and united by collective effervescence, that amazing energy that transports us all to a new realm. 

Menopause Uniforms

By Kate Poux

Driving with my daughter the other day, she noticed a typo on the flyer we created for Put Some Claws in Your Pause. In the sentence that says, “We enter (this time of life) uninformed, uninspired and unsupported,” it ACTUALLY says we enter this time of life uniformed. After the initial shock and embarrassment, I kind of love the idea that we might all get uniforms when we enter menopause. I mean, imagine how boss we could make them, especially if a certain Claws alumni’s daughter designed them for us (Zivia??)? I’m thinking something along the lines of Ghostbusters, but I think we should be able to tailor them to whatever works best for our lifestyles. I’m reading Handmaid’s Tale right now, so it’s important to clarify that  the uniforms would be optional and powerful, and very breathable. And they would have NAME TAGS, which would make every single social situation more relaxing and enjoyable for me. Hell maybe we could make up new names for ourselves in menopause. Maybe if you come to a  Claws in Your Pause retreat, we birth new names for ourselves, have a naming ritual, chant the new names together in the sweat lodge! 

And imagine the support and companionship we might encounter walking around life if we could spot each other in a crowd. It reminds me of when my daughters were in preschool and we participated in the amazing Talking about Touching personal safety lessons for children. We taught our kids safety steps to follow if they ever got separated from their grown-ups in a store or a crowd. Step 2 was find an adult wearing a uniform and tell them you need help finding your grown-up. What if  we could find a Menopauser wearing a uniform to help us relate or calm down or comfort us through whatever crisis might be unfolding around us or share in the hilarious moment we appreciate so much more because of our life experience? What if the uniform represented a promise to look out for each other, a visual reminder that we are not alone? Of course, it would also mean that everyone else would be calling on us for help all the time, even more than they already do, so that might be a drag. Maybe you just wear it a few days a week. But still. 

So, we probably won’t have the uniforms designed by this May in time for Put Some Claws in Your Pause, Version 3, but that means you can get in on the prototype designs! And we have learned a bunch from our first 2 retreats that we can’t wait to share with you. Highlights will include: sharing our strategies and mid-life expertise with each other, powerful writing and yoga meditations, making art, eating lots of chocolate and delicious meals, burning stuff, and beautiful natural surroundings that will inspire and take care of you. The idea is that we take a few days off to take good care of ourselves and each other at this transformational moment in our lives. We would love to celebrate with you, we hope you can join us this May….. and  just kidding about the uniform prototype thing. Sort of.