Angry Mommy

By Kate Poux
My daughter came to me the other night in a rare moment of appreciation. She has a friend who has been fighting intensely with her mom lately. She says it sounds like the mom is going through perimenopause, because the rage is different, and seems to come out of nowhere. “They’ll be cleaning the kitchen, and (her friend) will be like, ‘maybe pre-wash that before you put it in the dishwasher,’ and her mom will fly into a rage, screaming and yelling and it turns into a full-blown fight.” My daughter said it makes her appreciate me, because it’s been a long time since we had a fight like that. I felt grateful for this affirmation, but I mostly felt deep compassion for this mom. Immediately I wanted to console her, and bring her into the Claws in your Pause fold. I wanted to let her know that she is neither alone nor crazy.

After a moment I asked my daughter, “Did we ever scream and fight like that?” and she and my husband exchanged a look. She said not for a long time, mostly when she and her sister were younger. This was horrifying to me, and made perfect sense. Horrifying because that means that I was losing my shit with my young children, 4,5,6 years old, so much worse than screaming at your teenager. It made sense because I began to experience perimenopause in my early 40s. The kids were young, and I was suffering. I can remember staring out the window of my daughters’ bedroom when they were young, thinking that I needed to run away, that everyone in my family would be so much better without me around. I wanted to disappear, for the benefit of everyone around me. Remembering this I feel deep shame, compassion, and relief that it’s not as bad as it was, but I wish that I and my family had more support and information back then.

Perimenopause can last 4-10 years, and begins for some women as early as their 30s. Estrogen levels begin to fluctuate wildly, and since estrogen affects production of serotonin and oxytocin, mood changes, often dramatic and intense, are a prescient symptom of perimenopause. One study found that irritability and anger were the most common symptoms of perimenopause in 70% of women. 8 years ago, without a biological explanation, I blamed myself and felt crazy, and pitied everyone around me. I didn’t have a name for any of it. Recent research shows that there are ways that women can manage perimenopausal mood swings, including accepting the anger. Self-silencing, stuffing it down, puts us at much greater risk of depression. This was key for me. When I finally began to learn about the transition to menopause, I kept track and described my moods. When I felt certain symptoms I reminded myself, “It’s not you, it’s your hormones,” and I would do something healthy to disrupt the agro, like go for a run, take a long shower, get a dog. And, I would also warn my family! I became a little obsessed with scales to measure my mood and my energy, which helped me listen to myself better. Sometimes it helped, but not always. And I still struggle today, but with less intensity, maybe because I feel prepared.

In her 2019 memoir, Deep Creek, Anne Houston offers advice to a younger woman: “I’m just saying, I guess, there’s another version, after this version, to look forward to. Because of wisdom or hormones or just enough years going by. If you live long enough you quit chasing the things that hurt you; you eventually learn to hear the sound of your own voice.” Put Some Claws in Your Pause is an invitation to come alongside other women on their same-but-different journey through perimenopause and menopause. It’s a supportive, non-judgmental place to practice hearing the sound of our own voice. Even if it’s an angry, yelling voice.

The Polar Bear Pause

About five years ago my friend Kate and I birthed the organization Launch Your Pause. We created and hosted a three-day retreat, Put Some Claws in Your Pause, offering women at all stages of menopause an opportunity to learn about, explore and celebrate all things menopause. A big part of the retreat is the opportunity to be around other women at a similar crossroads.

The truth about menopause is that it is a pause. “Meno” means monthly so technically, menopause is a pause from the meno, or the monthly period we’ve been experiencing over the course of our fertile years. There are so many jacked-up ways that our society has repurposed the concept of menopause. The medical world has done ridiculously little to understand menopause and most women are left to find their own answers to confusing questions about both physical, mental, and spiritual health.

Many women feel like it is a death sentence — thin hair, crepey skin, stomach paunch, sleepless nights with no libido. I know that before I intentionally reframed menopause and turned it into something meaningful and worthy of ritualized attention, I thought about it that way.

This year will be our fourth annual Put Some Claws in Your Pause overnight retreat. We basically do the same thing each year — writing, yoga, meditating, sharing meals and hot tubs and saunas, and rich conversation — but it never gets old. These years are important. They represent our time to pause and reflect. What comes out of this intentional experience is boundless…. if we give ourselves a real pause.

I recently read Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey by Florence Williams. The book, a memoir augmented by a fascinating collection of scientific questions and answers about aging and emotions, begins when the author is fifty years old and going through an unexpected, unwanted divorce.

At one point in the book, Williams shares a scene from a conversation she had with an anthropologist about his work with an Inuit woman. After completing his interviews, the anthropologist says to the woman,

“I see everything but the years from when you were 50–54.”

“Oh, I have no words for those years,” she replied

“Why not?”

“In those years,” she told him, “I was a polar bear.”

In “those years” that woman felt different; she felt like a polar bear. I’ve talked to women who feel like they are losing their minds — they can’t sleep, they lose interest in things that used to mean something to them, they suddenly, inexplicably hate their spouses and children. 

The polar bear years are different. These are years when we see women change careers, relationships, and fashion sensibilities. This is the period when women take off and live in another country, or travel cross country in a camper van for a year or two. These are years when, as my friend Molly says, “your give-a-damn is broke.”

The polar bear pause is real and it deserves to be honored, attended to and ritualized. The culmination of William’s wonderful book is her taking a solo paddling voyage for three months. Her vast emotional landscape is mirrored in the terrain and waterways she covers on her journey. She gave herself a well-deserved pause, an honoring of her life stage. 

Though it’s only three days, I hope that the women who come to our retreat get a taste of this kind of ritual. I hope they will feel the symbolism in taking a pause out of the grind of day-to-day life to honor themselves as polar bears for a few days.