Driving home from soccer practice tonight my daughter was giving me an Instagram update. There was a curfluffle about followers, friends trolling other friends followers to expand their own followership. I tried to contain my contempt about this bizzare disconnected popularity contest. I said there should be a prize for the person among her friend group who has the least followers, because maybe that person might actually know all those people and talk to them in person once in a while. I said I might get an Insta account just to be able to award the friend with the least followers on a weekly basis, with a big prize. My daughter said that would be her, so I would just be awarding her every week. I said great, that makes it easy!I was an extreme extrovert for the first half of my life. Now I don’t use any social media. I get tired at parties. Mustering the energy to visit friends in Ballard is often an insurmountable task. I would rather write in my journal than go out to lunch. I remember reading Atul Gawande’s description of shrinking social networks as we age, how as we get older we seek stronger connections with a smaller and smaller group of people. I know this is true for me.So why would I want to spend a weekend in the woods with a bunch of strangers talking about menopause? It turns out there are lots of reasons.When I was part of a writing group, I loved the quiet, productive writing that happened during our free writes, the sounds of pens on paper, tapping on tables, looks of concentration. It made the writing less intimidating somehow, knowing that we were all struggling together to translate our messy ideas and hunches on to the paper. I got more done, felt less distracted. Writing in the company of other thinkers and writers felt sacred and productive.At this time in my life, I crave solitude and quiet. But those moments are few and far between for me. There are so many other things I am supposed to be doing. When I get a few hours at home alone, I send work emails, vacuum dog hair, clean the bathroom or wrestle with our family calendar. I give my time away.
If I am out with friends and the topic of menopause comes up, it is usually a light hearted gripe session about hot flashes, forgetfulness, worsening eyesight. It’s hard to get to the juice, the grief about our changing bodies and unattained goals, the family patterns we see ourselves falling into, the fear of not knowing what’s next, the daunting task of setting a new course for the second half of life when we all feel so tired and cranky all the time. And we rarely get to the good stuff, the "what's next?!!!" part of the story.
Put Some Claws in Your Pause came from a longing to retreat and process what the hell is going on and what are we going to do now?!? And, as much as we wish this kind of processing happened naturally in our friendships and family, sometimes it takes some structure to really get into it.Personally, I need yoga to get back into my body and integrate my thoughts and feelings, calm down the constant nervousness in my belly. I need meditation to quiet my mind and allow deep fears and motivations to arise so I can understand them better. I need time and space to focus my thoughts about this time of life and write them down. And I need people around me, doing this same work with the same focus, to remind me that I am not alone, to see me and hear me and laugh with me.And, if these people are strangers, then it might be that much cooler to find things we have in common on our parallel trajectories. It might give my faith in humanity a much needed boost.
Laura and I will take great pains in creating a community that feels safe and takes care of each other. This is our most important job. The goal of Put Some Claws in Your Pause is that you come to better understand what you need to feel supported in the work of menopause, and we create a community that can help you realize and meet those needs. All activities will be optional and there will be lots of space to listen to your heart and be quiet, take time to be alone or share your experience with others.And, as an added bonus, I will bring a prize for the Pauser who makes the least friends at the retreat!
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